Working Towards Security: Inner and Collective Transformation
In Parts 1 and 2, we explored attachment theory as a gateway to love and identified the patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of insecurity. Now, let's look at how we move toward security, both within ourselves and in our communities.
In Part 1, I said that we are all living in an abusive relationship with systems of oppression. I want to circle back to that because it's foundational to understanding why working towards security requires both inner work and collective transformation. Society and many of our systems are designed to separate us, to keep us from seeing each other fully. So much of our trauma is relational. The crisis of belonging, the loneliness epidemic, these are all stemming from the ways we have found ourselves unable to see ourselves in one another, unable to nurture connection with one another.
While there will always be differences and not everyone is meant to always be in relationship or close connection, we have a long way to go when it comes to building more capacity for one another to promote health and harmony within our society. This is why attachment theory matters beyond our individual healing. It shows us how to restore connection, belonging, and security at every level.
The Power of Co-Regulation
Attachment theory serves as a valuable framework for enhancing health outcomes. As social beings, we influence each other, and the core idea of this model is the transformative power of co-regulation. Insecurity and security are health issues. Insecurity breeds chronic stress in the body. Depending on how long someone lives with that insecurity, it can make them susceptible to chronic health conditions and more. When your nervous system is constantly activated by insecure attachment, your body lives in a state of fight or flight, which creates imbalance and disease.
Co-regulation is the ability to actually bring health into the nervous system. It brings calm, presence, relaxation, and safety into the nervous system. It can promote healing. It can promote rest. Instead of the body being in a fight or flight state, the body can shift into a receptive, balanced state. Insecurity creates imbalance. Security creates balance within the system and brings the system back into a place of homeostasis.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process by which individuals regulate their emotional states through interactions with others. It's inhabiting intimate space with another and sharing your energy with them. We are often sharing our energy with one another, but the question is: Is that exchange of energy healing or draining? The purpose of co-regulation is to offer positive benefits to one's nervous system and being.
Co-regulation can manifest in various ways, such as sharing meaningful conversations where both parties are listening, sharing hugs, cuddling, playing, engaging in safe touch, or simply being present for someone in a difficult moment, even if it's in silence. These experiences can be shared within a platonic connection, with a romantic partner, between parent and child, teacher and student, supervisor and supervisee.
We can also co-regulate with supports outside of the human realm, in the "more than human realm," like being held by a tree, spending time with plants, listening to the earth, or spending time by a body of water. This is why earth connection is one of the core pillars of my work. Nature offers us regulation, grounding, and the reminder that we are part of something larger than the systems that seek to separate us.
Inner Work: The Foundation
Moving towards security requires inner work. Each person is different based on their history, genes, upbringing, and the bodies that they inhabit. All of these things should be taken into consideration, but largely, learning the practice of listening and tuning into your body is key.
This might look like:
Pausing throughout your day to notice: Where am I holding tension? What sensations am I feeling?
Placing your hand on your heart when you feel activated and asking: What do I need right now?
Spending a few minutes in nature, barefoot if possible, and allowing your nervous system to settle
During my journey of healing from attachment trauma, the more I became attuned to my body, I realized I kept finding myself in situations that simply hurt, that caused me pain over and over again. And so I had to ask myself: Why am I continuing this pain path? Am I an emotional masochist? Do I actually want love?
I discovered that for different reasons, I had learned that this was what love was: pain. I also discovered there was a part of me that was afraid of true intimacy, and how my relationships were mirrors to my low self-esteem. Working towards security takes getting to the root of your insecure attachment patterns. It requires inner child work, understanding yourself and your needs regarding intimacy, boundaries, and connection. It takes learning how to both co-regulate with others and self-regulate on your own. It takes reconstructing your internal working model, that deep belief system about whether you're worthy, whether others are trustworthy, whether the world is safe.
For Those in Relationships
This inner work is foundational, whether you're single or partnered. And for those in romantic relationships, here's what moving toward security looks like together: These styles can be rewired toward security through setting intention, taking action towards effective communication, and gaining understanding of how your nervous system works. Feelings of insecurity are hardwired into us and often are triggered below our conscious awareness, so you will have to be intentional about learning about your intimacy and emotional needs, defensive mechanisms, and trauma history individually and then, together as a couple.
Moving towards security in relationship means both people do their inner work while also learning to co-regulate together. It means understanding that when your partner pulls away or gets anxious, it's not about you. It's their attachment system activating. And the same is true for you.
Collective Transformation: Building Systems That Support Security
Moving towards a culture rooted in secure and loving relationships will take all of us, and it requires a holistic, robust approach. Since insecure attachment is a form of trauma, it becomes a public health concern which calls for care-informed, trauma-informed systems instead of punitive-based systems.
For example, instead of investing in institutional practices like incarceration, which only creates more insecure attachment, separation, and suffering, we should invest in socio-emotional early childhood curriculum, organizations that support mothers, children, and families, community initiatives, art and expressive arts curriculum, and holistic mental health and addiction support.
Attachment theory can be a map for parents, teachers, coaches, and caregivers of all types on how we can become more equipped and intentional with how we raise our children. It can be a tool that guides us to evaluate what gets in the way of our ability to be present, nurturing, and responsive to the children and relationships in our lives.
This is where the revolution truly begins, not in the streets or in policy changes alone, but in how we choose to show up for one another, starting with the most vulnerable among us and including ourselves in that care. When we heal our own attachment wounds and create secure connections, we're not just transforming our personal lives. We're participating in the collective healing our world desperately needs. Your healing becomes part of our collective liberation. Our collective work supports your individual journey back to wholeness and love.
Taking the First Step
I encourage you to find support on your journey. This might be a healer, guide, prosperity coach, or trusted wise friends. There are also many helpful books and online resources on attachment healing. All you have to do is take the first step.
Remember, this is a journey that takes time, practice, patience, care, and lots of grace. But it's well worth the ride. A ride that leads you to the health, life, and love that you are deserving of.
Are you ready to join love?
This completes our 3-part series on attachment theory as a gateway to love.
If you missed the earlier parts:
Ready to take this work deeper?
Prosperity Guidance | Who Are You? Program - Coming January 2026
References: Diane Poole Heller - "We are injured in relationships and we heal in relationships"
J Schore; A Schore. Modern Attachment Theory: The Central Role of Affect Regulation in Development and Treatment. Clin Soc Work J (2008); 36:9–20
J Bowlby. Attachment Theory and Its Therapeutic Implications. Adolescent Psychiatry, 6 (1978), p 5–33.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love. Penguin Random House LLC
Siegel, D.A. (2012). Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind. W.W.Norton & Company, Inc.