Attachment Theory: A Gateway to Love
It's Libra season, a time that invites us to look deeper at relationships, harmony, and justice. First, we start with the inner world, cultivating inner harmony that ripples outward and manifests externally in our relationships and communities.
A Personal Journey to Understanding
I felt the emptiness, the hollowness of facing abandonment and healing from my marriage, an unhealthy relational dynamic which I realized was something that I had been finding familiarity in my entire life. I found myself in dynamics where, especially romantically but also in most of my relationships, I was involved and tangled with people who were emotionally unavailable, who struggled with intimacy. I understood this was just a reflection of my own fears around intimacy.
And I didn't want my daughter to feel that level of hollowness, of not knowing who she was, of not loving herself and being vulnerable to unhealthy relationships due to her not feeling secure and powerful in herself. That's what made me decide. That's when I chose to seek the path of healing and change and growth.
I became aware of attachment theory during this pivotal moment in my life. I was a mother to a two-year-old while navigating my divorce. I made a conscious choice to delve deep within myself to confront my fears, pain, and trauma in order to break the intergenerational cycles of suffering. By applying the core principles of attachment theory to my life, I experienced profound changes that transformed my relationships.
From Personal to Collective
Throughout my journey, I have noticed recurring themes of attachment wounds and a longing for deeper connections among my personal relationships and clients in my practice. You may recognize this longing in yourself: that hunger for belonging, for safety, for relationships where you can be fully seen and valued. Perhaps you've noticed patterns playing out in your own life, the ways you find yourself drawn to what's familiar even when it's harmful, the cycles you repeat even when you don't want to.
These personal patterns aren't just individual struggles. We are all living in an abusive relationship with systems of oppression that have trained us not to see each other as equal, to view one another through lenses of bias, prejudice, and even hatred. We've been conditioned to be self-driven and addicted to our comforts and privileges, even at the expense of others. We've been taught to dehumanize one another.
Throughout my journey as a mother navigating divorce, confronting my own fears and trauma to break intergenerational cycles of suffering, I've discovered that attachment theory can be a gateway to deeper harmony and love in our culture. It helps us see how insecure attachment lies at the root of so much grievance, resentment, envy, hatred, and greed that creates the division and polarization we witness today and that many of us carry within ourselves.
Insecurity breeds more insecurity. Developmental and relational trauma makes us susceptible to ideologies and groups that promise false security and power. This is why understanding our attachment patterns is crucial. They're deeply connected to the spiritual poverty we've internalized and inherited. When we struggle to trust, to receive, to believe in our inherent worth, we're experiencing this spiritual poverty firsthand.
In a time marked by an epidemic of loneliness and a crisis of belonging, attachment theory serves as a valuable framework to help us restore harmony and connection. I firmly believe that attachment theory is a pathway to healing connections and belonging, not just for individuals, but for our communities and society as a whole.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory gained prominence through British developmental psychologist John Bowlby in 1958. His research revealed that an infant's capacity to develop and flourish is significantly influenced by the bond formed with their mother. Through his studies and observations, Bowlby posited that children are biologically predisposed to seek out and maintain proximity to attachment figures for survival.
According to his attachment theory, mothers who are present and responsive to their infant's needs foster a sense of security. This reliability from the caregiver establishes a secure base, allowing the child to feel safe while exploring the world around them. Our internal attachment system is shaped by early childhood experiences, which inform us about the safety of the world and our ability to rely on others. A child who learns that the world is unsafe and that they cannot depend on the adults around them may develop an insecure attachment style. These early lessons about worthiness, safety, and belonging shape how we navigate relationships, work, money, and our sense of what we deserve throughout our lives.
The Body Remembers
Insecure attachment, also known as attachment trauma from early experiences, has enduring effects on the body. When unresolved attachment trauma activates the attachment system, it triggers the autonomic nervous system, which governs the body's fight-flight-freeze response. You might notice this in moments when closeness feels threatening, when receiving support triggers anxiety, or when success brings unexpected discomfort.
Ongoing research shows how early experiences shape brain chemistry, hormonal systems, and overall brain wiring, impacting all aspects of health. Prolonged exposure to toxic stress due to insecure attachment elevates the risks for mental health issues, immune system disorders, and chronic health conditions such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, and memory disorders. This theory underscores the significant impact of early childhood experiences and the quality of relationships on long-term health outcomes, both for individuals and across generations.
Coming in this 3-part series:
Part 1: Attachment Theory: A Gateway to Love
Part 2: From Insecurity to Security: Understanding Your Attachment Patterns
Part 3: Working Towards Secure Connection: Inner and Collective Transformation
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